Trying to be a Better Person

I have decided I'm sick of the silently negatively me. I put on a happy mask, but can very easily join and encourage bitching and whingeing and I no longer want to be that person. Last year I read His Holiness the Dalia Lamha IV book on happiness and it is really a simply way of thinking and comes back to the basic catholic saying "do unto others what you want done unto yourself". I will just BE happy, simple as that. I will do things that make me happy and be nice to others and if they don't return it or appreciate is so what, I am happy and doing the right thing so who cares what follows. I will not let other peoples opinions put me down I will simply smile and walk away. And its working it really is. I am feeling more in control of my destiny and enjoying the simple things so much more. Who cares if my best friends gf hates my guts and glares at me, she has done nothing specific wrong so I will say hello and smile....one day she may just smile back who knows.

Breastfeeding

OK so i really really really want to BF and i know i keep going on about it

but well im having a huge inner war atm, and need to nut out the pros and cons

Pro's for BF

best for bubs
free
easy
no waiting
no need to be organised
potential to loose weight
keeping Me healthy by making me eat

Cons for BF

only i can do it
worry about supply and bubs weight gain
must eat
hard to do when over tired and sick


So thats a basic list and ill keep adding to it as i come up with stuff

i know in my heart that BF is right for us and ill know ill regret it if i wean now when i've reached my first goal so quickly.

but i am also feeling very trapped, i have this intense urge to just run away but ca'nt whilst BF so maybe its a good thing keeping me here were i need to be and should be. And it is keeping me healthy by forcing me to eat....i just dont know if i have the energy or motivation to eat and do what needs to be done to make Tallons wieght gain increase???

Mothers Day

What a load of bullshit today was!

My so called husband who is meant to act on behalf of our three year old and 5months decided to get so wasted last night that he couldn't walk straight and I'm sure he was throwing up in the night.

There was no breakfast in bed like promised, he didn't even get Theo ready to go to HIS mothers in time so i wake up to stress and rushing to get to the stupid Mother In Laws house and terry is all moping and miserable because he is so frigging hung over. then when I'm ready to leave his hypocritical sneaky sly family's house 4hrs later to go to my mum Terry whinges and complains grrrr I'm so freaking mad i just want to punch something or cry.... ahhhahahahahahaha

I know I'm slipping down a very slippery road and I'm trying to stop it but tonight/today is just not a good day whatsoever. So much food on mothers day its everywhere and everyone is pushing you to eat and the only meal i was looking forward to was breakfast and i didn't get it!

Ah i so can't even go into all the emotions I'm feeling right now, I'm angry hurt upset resentful guilty and just feel an overwhelming hopelessness.

Motivation

I can't seem to find a happy balance of it....sometimes i want to do everything at once other times i want to do nothing at all. i get motivated to do the wrong unimportant things but the ones that i know NEED to be done i can't seem to pick myself up and do.

Marriage

So the man and me have our ups and downs and well aside from my own messed up head he is the only negative point in my life....It's not that i don't love him because i do SO SO much. Its just our communication.

He places so much worth on housework and its all that matters to him and it gets me so angry and frustrated that if i have a bad day he huffs and puffs and goes to his mates because i didn't empty a stupid damn dishwasher!!!! i mean seriously he should be happy he is coming home to a healthy family with a wife and not one but TWO gorgeous little boys who have nothing but smiles and giggles for their daddy (they save the tears and tantrums for mummy) but instead he wants to come home and do housework and weights rather than spend ten minutes playing with his son who has been very politely asking for him all day. then he gets mad at him cuz theo chucks a tantrum to get some form of attention from his father!

but we've been going to marriage counselling and whilst we were going fortnightly everything was going peachy on the surface so i suggest we leave it for 6 weeks between appointments and see what happens and low and behold after 4 weeks the same old terry comes out making smart arse comments about the things i didn't do without and thanks or recognition for all that i did do.

i just dont know if he's worth it anymore