...Which brings me to this....
I had an individual session for our marriage counselling and well i just sorta blurted out that i wasn't coping and then she started asking questions and well long story short she is worried about me phoning me daily and can tell when I'm lying even down the phone grrrr.
But i know have a thousand appointments to book and attend and its scary as all hell...It's one thing admitting to yourself you have a problem but letting 'professionals' know well that just scared the shit out of me.
Last time i was in counselling for my depression i tried telling him and well he went on to point out where my "fat deposits" were (his words not mine) and tell me there was no problem......yup my worst nightmare all in one!
So to have to tell others and whilst I'm at about my highest weight i dunno. I keep telling myself to loose weight first then get help but i know that's not the right way to think and i know its not about the weight but the food but jeez i can control the food i can't control what people think about me and my size....
got to stop thinking about it just causing more grief grrr
deep breaths no need to panic.........much
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Baby did a bad bad thing
So this last week things have gotten a little out of control....not been eating well at all just here and there when people are around....
realised there is going to be a problem when it got to almost 48hours when anything but water had passed my lips....
realised there is going to be a problem when it got to almost 48hours when anything but water had passed my lips....
Monday, May 18, 2009
Trying to be a Better Person
I have decided I'm sick of the silently negatively me. I put on a happy mask, but can very easily join and encourage bitching and whingeing and I no longer want to be that person. Last year I read His Holiness the Dalia Lamha IV book on happiness and it is really a simply way of thinking and comes back to the basic catholic saying "do unto others what you want done unto yourself". I will just BE happy, simple as that. I will do things that make me happy and be nice to others and if they don't return it or appreciate is so what, I am happy and doing the right thing so who cares what follows. I will not let other peoples opinions put me down I will simply smile and walk away. And its working it really is. I am feeling more in control of my destiny and enjoying the simple things so much more. Who cares if my best friends gf hates my guts and glares at me, she has done nothing specific wrong so I will say hello and smile....one day she may just smile back who knows.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Breastfeeding
OK so i really really really want to BF and i know i keep going on about it
but well im having a huge inner war atm, and need to nut out the pros and cons
Pro's for BF
best for bubs
free
easy
no waiting
no need to be organised
potential to loose weight
keeping Me healthy by making me eat
Cons for BF
only i can do it
worry about supply and bubs weight gain
must eat
hard to do when over tired and sick
So thats a basic list and ill keep adding to it as i come up with stuff
i know in my heart that BF is right for us and ill know ill regret it if i wean now when i've reached my first goal so quickly.
but i am also feeling very trapped, i have this intense urge to just run away but ca'nt whilst BF so maybe its a good thing keeping me here were i need to be and should be. And it is keeping me healthy by forcing me to eat....i just dont know if i have the energy or motivation to eat and do what needs to be done to make Tallons wieght gain increase???
but well im having a huge inner war atm, and need to nut out the pros and cons
Pro's for BF
best for bubs
free
easy
no waiting
no need to be organised
potential to loose weight
keeping Me healthy by making me eat
Cons for BF
only i can do it
worry about supply and bubs weight gain
must eat
hard to do when over tired and sick
So thats a basic list and ill keep adding to it as i come up with stuff
i know in my heart that BF is right for us and ill know ill regret it if i wean now when i've reached my first goal so quickly.
but i am also feeling very trapped, i have this intense urge to just run away but ca'nt whilst BF so maybe its a good thing keeping me here were i need to be and should be. And it is keeping me healthy by forcing me to eat....i just dont know if i have the energy or motivation to eat and do what needs to be done to make Tallons wieght gain increase???
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mothers Day
What a load of bullshit today was!
My so called husband who is meant to act on behalf of our three year old and 5months decided to get so wasted last night that he couldn't walk straight and I'm sure he was throwing up in the night.
There was no breakfast in bed like promised, he didn't even get Theo ready to go to HIS mothers in time so i wake up to stress and rushing to get to the stupid Mother In Laws house and terry is all moping and miserable because he is so frigging hung over. then when I'm ready to leave his hypocritical sneaky sly family's house 4hrs later to go to my mum Terry whinges and complains grrrr I'm so freaking mad i just want to punch something or cry.... ahhhahahahahahaha
I know I'm slipping down a very slippery road and I'm trying to stop it but tonight/today is just not a good day whatsoever. So much food on mothers day its everywhere and everyone is pushing you to eat and the only meal i was looking forward to was breakfast and i didn't get it!
Ah i so can't even go into all the emotions I'm feeling right now, I'm angry hurt upset resentful guilty and just feel an overwhelming hopelessness.
My so called husband who is meant to act on behalf of our three year old and 5months decided to get so wasted last night that he couldn't walk straight and I'm sure he was throwing up in the night.
There was no breakfast in bed like promised, he didn't even get Theo ready to go to HIS mothers in time so i wake up to stress and rushing to get to the stupid Mother In Laws house and terry is all moping and miserable because he is so frigging hung over. then when I'm ready to leave his hypocritical sneaky sly family's house 4hrs later to go to my mum Terry whinges and complains grrrr I'm so freaking mad i just want to punch something or cry.... ahhhahahahahahaha
I know I'm slipping down a very slippery road and I'm trying to stop it but tonight/today is just not a good day whatsoever. So much food on mothers day its everywhere and everyone is pushing you to eat and the only meal i was looking forward to was breakfast and i didn't get it!
Ah i so can't even go into all the emotions I'm feeling right now, I'm angry hurt upset resentful guilty and just feel an overwhelming hopelessness.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Motivation
I can't seem to find a happy balance of it....sometimes i want to do everything at once other times i want to do nothing at all. i get motivated to do the wrong unimportant things but the ones that i know NEED to be done i can't seem to pick myself up and do.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Marriage
So the man and me have our ups and downs and well aside from my own messed up head he is the only negative point in my life....It's not that i don't love him because i do SO SO much. Its just our communication.
He places so much worth on housework and its all that matters to him and it gets me so angry and frustrated that if i have a bad day he huffs and puffs and goes to his mates because i didn't empty a stupid damn dishwasher!!!! i mean seriously he should be happy he is coming home to a healthy family with a wife and not one but TWO gorgeous little boys who have nothing but smiles and giggles for their daddy (they save the tears and tantrums for mummy) but instead he wants to come home and do housework and weights rather than spend ten minutes playing with his son who has been very politely asking for him all day. then he gets mad at him cuz theo chucks a tantrum to get some form of attention from his father!
but we've been going to marriage counselling and whilst we were going fortnightly everything was going peachy on the surface so i suggest we leave it for 6 weeks between appointments and see what happens and low and behold after 4 weeks the same old terry comes out making smart arse comments about the things i didn't do without and thanks or recognition for all that i did do.
i just dont know if he's worth it anymore
He places so much worth on housework and its all that matters to him and it gets me so angry and frustrated that if i have a bad day he huffs and puffs and goes to his mates because i didn't empty a stupid damn dishwasher!!!! i mean seriously he should be happy he is coming home to a healthy family with a wife and not one but TWO gorgeous little boys who have nothing but smiles and giggles for their daddy (they save the tears and tantrums for mummy) but instead he wants to come home and do housework and weights rather than spend ten minutes playing with his son who has been very politely asking for him all day. then he gets mad at him cuz theo chucks a tantrum to get some form of attention from his father!
but we've been going to marriage counselling and whilst we were going fortnightly everything was going peachy on the surface so i suggest we leave it for 6 weeks between appointments and see what happens and low and behold after 4 weeks the same old terry comes out making smart arse comments about the things i didn't do without and thanks or recognition for all that i did do.
i just dont know if he's worth it anymore
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Sickness
So i believe i have had the worst day ever in the history of days.
Went to bed last night feeling a bit off balance and again this morning, was feeding Tallon when Theo starts vomiting the water he just drank (thank god he didn't eat breakfast!).
So terry was off work with a cold and now I'm thinking he wishes he had gone because i hop in the shower with Theo and start throwing up as well.....long story short my entire body hurts i can't keep anything down so feeding has been a B***h thankfully i have a great friend who dropped round some of her ebm so we were able to give tallon breast milk cuz i wasn't producing enough milk for him today.
still feel like jelly all over but at least i can keep water down atm....interesting to see how tomorrow goes
Went to bed last night feeling a bit off balance and again this morning, was feeding Tallon when Theo starts vomiting the water he just drank (thank god he didn't eat breakfast!).
So terry was off work with a cold and now I'm thinking he wishes he had gone because i hop in the shower with Theo and start throwing up as well.....long story short my entire body hurts i can't keep anything down so feeding has been a B***h thankfully i have a great friend who dropped round some of her ebm so we were able to give tallon breast milk cuz i wasn't producing enough milk for him today.
still feel like jelly all over but at least i can keep water down atm....interesting to see how tomorrow goes
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
past blogs of nonsense
So i half hearted have blogged on websites and forums in the past and here is a copy and pasted gist of what they said.....
hate life (posted on Mumzies)
Posted 01-28-2009 at 04:06 PM by Smoz
yup this will be my depressing blog...no reply needed just going to vent away and put the mess in my head on paper (or whatever the Internet is heehee) Prob don't mean half the stuff i say its just random feelings and thoughts i have but wouldn't act on so please don't get all " I'm so worried about you" OK!?anyway I've had enough i don't want to do any of it anymore..i want to run away...i don't want to be a mum wife or daughter.....i just want to be 18 again travelling the world with not a worry....i want to smoke because it relaxes me but i know its stupid and will kill me.....I'm always tired i wish everything would disappear for a week or two and i could just sleep for a very long time
Nervous..... (posted on Mumzies)
16/10/08
I know it shouldn't be a test but in my mind it already is.Our First wedding anniversary is this month, we are celebrating the weekend after (it falls on a monday) and its also my last week of work so its sort of a celebration of that aswell.DH has organised all of it and its a surprise, now i struggle with surprises anyway as i like to be in control, if i've organised it i can't be dissapointed iykwimAs you all know we've had a rocky two months and things still aren't perfect, we are sorta both just making do until i finish work then we will sit down and see how things go.we take turns for valentines day planning it. him one year me the next etc. And his always goes wrong or is a half arsed effort. same with birthdays i go out of my way to get him something he really really wants and he just gets me practical things. In the past i have gotten him a stripper, an 80G IPod and an xbox 360 for his birthdays, all a surprise and even threw him a surprise party. He has got me Car seat covers, lamps, socks, coat hangers and an extenstion cord? the only nice present has been my Notebook subscription and that was only because i filled out the application and told him what i wanted.And with organising V.Day he always forgets someting (organised a picnic on the beach and forgot the picnic and it was whislt the tide was out and there were just shoulder crabs everywhere). I know i sound like a bitch but its just every celebration im left feeling dissapointed. i know its the thought that counts but after 4years of 'thoughtful' gifts i want something nice. Now for our anniversary i know he has the present right because i told him all i want is an eternity ring the same as my wedding ring, told him what size i was everything, all he had to do was go pay for it. But he has organised two nights away with somethings planned. now i dont want to be a party pooper but i hope he's remember ill be 4wks away from havin a baby by this point and all i want is some romance wich is different from entertainment. hmm i dunno i just know if he stuffs up this time its really going to get to me and i dont want it to be a test but i can't help thinking about it that way in my head.
That's it I QUIT!!!! (posted on Mumzies)
04/11/08
I've had enough
Soooo ready for my very selfish long vent! I have had the worst 24 hours EVER!!!!Decided to get out the house for the first time this week yesterday, locked teh front door opened the car whislt DS was climbing into the back i chucked my bag and everything on the front passenger, shut the door, went to buckle DS in the back and the cheeky bugger jumped into the drivers seat, dragged him back, put him in his seat in the middle and buckled him in, pulled the straps nice and tight because he's been wriggling his arms out lately....shut his door and went to open the front passenger again to grab the keys.....and the car is locked :O DS must've hit the central locking when he jumped in the front....so my son, phone and keys are all locked in the car! Ran next door called road side assist and they say they'll get an emergancy vehicle out to me asap. thankfully it was under 10mins when the first truck turned up (two came running heehee) he scares me by going "ooh i haven't done this model before" but had the door open in seconds and did a quick medical on DS (did you know they are trained in basic medical to look for signs of dhydration/stress) thankfully DS was ok cuz it was an overcast day (if it had been sunny god only knows what would of happened) so that was the morning, rest of the day went ok until mum came home with me from coffee andyelled at me because the clothes SHE put all over my couch hadn't been moved and she couldn't sit anywhere....well you shouldn't of unpacked them all the should you! grrr. Anyway all good had a great dinner and relaxed (bought scene it on xbox....soo much fun) so d?dn't get to bed till after 11pm cuz its DH's day off today....but im woken by a crying toddler saying sorry mummy at 3:30am covered from head to toe in green vomitso after a massive clean up mission i put him back into bed and tell DH to go with him because its now 4:30and i can't sleep DS got up at 6 i let DH sleep till 9 till i woke him and swapped and went back to bed. just woke up now and i think my pelvis has officially snapped in half. DH carried me down stairs and put me here at the computer because i can't walk AT ALLI'm over it i've had enough and im in pain and im a sook......This pelvis pain is beyond a joke now. I feel like my pelvis is snapping in half and have that deep achey agonising pain in the bones around my pelvis/hips and inside of my legs. I cannot walk AT ALL today, Terry carried me down the stairs! I can't function and all becuase i went out for ONE day...i ahve been stuck in this stupid house fr a wk and one day out and im back to agony....:grrrr::ok vent over hope everyone has a better day i am now resigned to the fact that i am under self house arrest until this baby is born because one day out KILLS me, i can't even describe how much pain im in....got OB appointment next friday and he will be inducing me wether he likes it or not! grrr
Whats wrong with people? (posted on Mumzies)
24/12/08
Ok so i know im sensitive to comments about my weight as it is but i've spoken with other people and they agree its weird......took Tallon to my old dancings xmas rehersal (mum works there) and this little girl who is all of about 10 walks up to me and pats my tummy saying "I see your still loosing the baby fat" ::Yikes: Like seriously why would you say that to someone and why would a 10yo even have thoughts about weight in there head!!!! Her mums a fitness freak and she is obviously very aware of weight and health.On top of that my mum was telling me i needed to hold my tummy in and wear those support undies less than 24hrs after giving birth.....said "I have never seen a belly that big after giving birth"She knows i have issues with weight and its not like she can talk she's a size 24+ grrrrr sorry just feeling very self concious atm
and here are a few of my ED (eating disorder) bassed ones from Myspace.
Friday, December 14, 2007
So here's an update of where i am atm,
Since i had a miscarriage on Nov 23 at 9am my life has taken a completely unexpected turn. I used to be depressed but it was limited to weight related issues and was able to maintain a "happy go lucky" kind of attitude but now im am feeling down ALL the time and am fed up. i dont know what prompted me to tell the doc when having a check up after the m/c but when she asked me how i was i said "Fine...wait no thats a lie i feel like shit" and then proceeded to tell her about my feelings of depresion but left out the whole ED thing
The problem being that i now have to go see a counsellor starting Jan 8th for six weeks at least. I am over feeling like shit and just want to live life like a normal person, but to do that i need to deal with my ED for once and for all. So do i tell the psych bout it or not and just hope that i can deal with the ED once all my other issues are sorted out. I only have the 6 sessions as i can't afford it after that (the government will only support 6) and i have a whole pile of rubbish on my mind more important than this
And if i do say something what if they dont take me seriously, i mean im not exactly that skinny so would be devastated if it was oh thats not too important im sure youll be fine its not like you are unhealthy.
But if i do decide to recover i could only do it at this weight i could not handle any weight gain whatsoever so hmmm
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Yup wallowing in self pity right now but Man i hate my life
I wish i could just disapear, gosh thats a nice thought just disapearing as though i was never here, if i could do it without hurting anyone i would love it...like if i had a rewind button so i could just rewind my life an start over or just not start at all...but no not possible i have a life and a family i must take care of and a son who i love with all my heart even though i wish i'd never been made a mother i wish he was someone elses so the responsibilty wasn't on me
What am i saying aaarghhh meh im going to go to bed, maybe tomorrow will be better though i doubt it
Saturday, December 29, 2007
dont tell anyone...
...but i might just be trying to recover...
So i didn't want to say anything too soon cuz i always say i will then i dont but i've been eating dinner everynight for the last 3 weeks and every third then second day ill do lunch aswell...but today (are you ready for it)
I ATE THREE PROPER MEALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yup breakfast lunch and dinner woot woot
Might not be a full size meal but still a kids meal wich is more than i usually do im so happy lardi dah di dah. Also feeling really sick right now but thanks to my inability to force myself to vomit im stuck with it all inside me hahaha suck shit body you cant get rid of it hahah yeyeyeye
Ok yer i know that sounds really crazy but my body is having a minor freak out whilst my brain is congratulating me!! Start my counselling next week so i might just be a normal person come my birthday (in April) or as normal as one of us can be.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Not skinny enough to have an ED.....
Man im fed up, i just Hate myself so much and for no good reason...
So i started counselling for my depression and he asks about eating and i work up the courage to say "well thats another issue i dont want to talk about it right now" ie letting him know there is an ISSUE there and he then looks at me points out where my fat is (and i quote "plenty of breast fat no chest bones showing, bulge over jeans, full face) and then says no problem really as long as i dont loose anymore...WTF its all my worst nightmares come true!
So there you have it everyone im not skinny enough to have a eating disorder!!! woot woot how Friggin awesome is that to be told by a profesional that you are not skinny enough! MAN i feel good about myself right now
And to make matters even better i am sleeping on the couch tonight because my husband is pissed off that we havent had sex in 3 weeks and i feel guilty as all hell becuase i know it must be hard on him but i just have ZERO drive and feel fat and hidious and am so damn TIRED so there is my wonderful life in a nutshell hope everyone else is having a better time than i am cuz i really would like to jsut disapear about now xoxo
Monday, January 14, 2008
I am moving into a stage of my life now where even if i fail i am going to continue and continue to try to recover...i will have relapses and i still want people to tell me i look skinny (even though i know you gunna lie now heehee) and i will still think about fasting and wanting to loose but im going to try my hardest not to "act-out" on these thoughts and feelings.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Where are you?
I feel so alone?
It’s like it echos in here and all i can hear is my own voice bouncing back to me?
I never had you to begin with..I mean you were never really mine, so why should i want you so badly.
Its strange this thing called friendship...How do you define it, what makes someone your friend
I told someone about you (not in detail of course) but i mentioned your name, and when they asked where i knew you from i told them...the internet........
They looked at me like i was weird and pathetic,
Is that what we are
Weird
Pathetic
Its what i am, i know that much
Do i mean anything to you?
Im going now please dont comment and say how much you love me. i know its not true.
Your probably right, i am being selfish its not like i’ve reached out and made the effort but thats just me isnt it,
Im a
Selfish
Wierd
Pathetic
Person
........So whatcha gunna do about it??thats what i though
BTW recovery SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i friggin hate this life
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
sorry my friends
im sorry....for everything
for not being here for you, for not being true to me. im struggling and i didnt think i would but it seems signs are everywhere screaming at me to loose weight and im like
"IM FUCKING PREGNANT LEAVE ME ALONE"
man i wish i could just disapear. The voices have been really loud lately and three times in the last week i've turned the radio on only to hear Silverchairs 'Open Fire' playing wich is just weird.
Baby doing well though and i am eating dispite my extreme desire not to...the waist line is expanding i've had to go into my 'big' closet already gone up two pants sizes...but hey its all for the good of the baby right. well what about me and wats good for me. i dont want to feel anymore i wish everything were easier its just not fair
and im sorry for being so damn selfish!!! i should be happy im able to have children and i should be happy i've got friends like you guys but im not im just miserable and i just want to come and visit you and i cant because i have "RESPONSIBILITY!!!" man i hate responsibility grrr i just want to be a little girl with no worries.
Sorry i've not been around much, moved house and have no internet so only can sneak on at work and working with dad thats hard enough to do
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Pregnant and Miserable
So yay im in recovery
and yay im a having a baby
Then why could i not feel any worse if i tried. I'm so tired, its so hard to eat (i am of course for the baby) but i've had to set reminders on my phone for breakfast lunch and dinner. I've just lost ALL sense of appetite, Everything i eat makes me feel sick and i can't keep all my food down. I feel fat and horrible and everything hurts.
I want and need all your support but its hurts seeing you all and hearing how someone's loosing this and someones loosing that.
Ah everything just feels so hopeless atm!!!
hate life (posted on Mumzies)
Posted 01-28-2009 at 04:06 PM by Smoz
yup this will be my depressing blog...no reply needed just going to vent away and put the mess in my head on paper (or whatever the Internet is heehee) Prob don't mean half the stuff i say its just random feelings and thoughts i have but wouldn't act on so please don't get all " I'm so worried about you" OK!?anyway I've had enough i don't want to do any of it anymore..i want to run away...i don't want to be a mum wife or daughter.....i just want to be 18 again travelling the world with not a worry....i want to smoke because it relaxes me but i know its stupid and will kill me.....I'm always tired i wish everything would disappear for a week or two and i could just sleep for a very long time
Nervous..... (posted on Mumzies)
16/10/08
I know it shouldn't be a test but in my mind it already is.Our First wedding anniversary is this month, we are celebrating the weekend after (it falls on a monday) and its also my last week of work so its sort of a celebration of that aswell.DH has organised all of it and its a surprise, now i struggle with surprises anyway as i like to be in control, if i've organised it i can't be dissapointed iykwimAs you all know we've had a rocky two months and things still aren't perfect, we are sorta both just making do until i finish work then we will sit down and see how things go.we take turns for valentines day planning it. him one year me the next etc. And his always goes wrong or is a half arsed effort. same with birthdays i go out of my way to get him something he really really wants and he just gets me practical things. In the past i have gotten him a stripper, an 80G IPod and an xbox 360 for his birthdays, all a surprise and even threw him a surprise party. He has got me Car seat covers, lamps, socks, coat hangers and an extenstion cord? the only nice present has been my Notebook subscription and that was only because i filled out the application and told him what i wanted.And with organising V.Day he always forgets someting (organised a picnic on the beach and forgot the picnic and it was whislt the tide was out and there were just shoulder crabs everywhere). I know i sound like a bitch but its just every celebration im left feeling dissapointed. i know its the thought that counts but after 4years of 'thoughtful' gifts i want something nice. Now for our anniversary i know he has the present right because i told him all i want is an eternity ring the same as my wedding ring, told him what size i was everything, all he had to do was go pay for it. But he has organised two nights away with somethings planned. now i dont want to be a party pooper but i hope he's remember ill be 4wks away from havin a baby by this point and all i want is some romance wich is different from entertainment. hmm i dunno i just know if he stuffs up this time its really going to get to me and i dont want it to be a test but i can't help thinking about it that way in my head.
That's it I QUIT!!!! (posted on Mumzies)
04/11/08
I've had enough
Soooo ready for my very selfish long vent! I have had the worst 24 hours EVER!!!!Decided to get out the house for the first time this week yesterday, locked teh front door opened the car whislt DS was climbing into the back i chucked my bag and everything on the front passenger, shut the door, went to buckle DS in the back and the cheeky bugger jumped into the drivers seat, dragged him back, put him in his seat in the middle and buckled him in, pulled the straps nice and tight because he's been wriggling his arms out lately....shut his door and went to open the front passenger again to grab the keys.....and the car is locked :O DS must've hit the central locking when he jumped in the front....so my son, phone and keys are all locked in the car! Ran next door called road side assist and they say they'll get an emergancy vehicle out to me asap. thankfully it was under 10mins when the first truck turned up (two came running heehee) he scares me by going "ooh i haven't done this model before" but had the door open in seconds and did a quick medical on DS (did you know they are trained in basic medical to look for signs of dhydration/stress) thankfully DS was ok cuz it was an overcast day (if it had been sunny god only knows what would of happened) so that was the morning, rest of the day went ok until mum came home with me from coffee andyelled at me because the clothes SHE put all over my couch hadn't been moved and she couldn't sit anywhere....well you shouldn't of unpacked them all the should you! grrr. Anyway all good had a great dinner and relaxed (bought scene it on xbox....soo much fun) so d?dn't get to bed till after 11pm cuz its DH's day off today....but im woken by a crying toddler saying sorry mummy at 3:30am covered from head to toe in green vomitso after a massive clean up mission i put him back into bed and tell DH to go with him because its now 4:30and i can't sleep DS got up at 6 i let DH sleep till 9 till i woke him and swapped and went back to bed. just woke up now and i think my pelvis has officially snapped in half. DH carried me down stairs and put me here at the computer because i can't walk AT ALLI'm over it i've had enough and im in pain and im a sook......This pelvis pain is beyond a joke now. I feel like my pelvis is snapping in half and have that deep achey agonising pain in the bones around my pelvis/hips and inside of my legs. I cannot walk AT ALL today, Terry carried me down the stairs! I can't function and all becuase i went out for ONE day...i ahve been stuck in this stupid house fr a wk and one day out and im back to agony....:grrrr::ok vent over hope everyone has a better day i am now resigned to the fact that i am under self house arrest until this baby is born because one day out KILLS me, i can't even describe how much pain im in....got OB appointment next friday and he will be inducing me wether he likes it or not! grrr
Whats wrong with people? (posted on Mumzies)
24/12/08
Ok so i know im sensitive to comments about my weight as it is but i've spoken with other people and they agree its weird......took Tallon to my old dancings xmas rehersal (mum works there) and this little girl who is all of about 10 walks up to me and pats my tummy saying "I see your still loosing the baby fat" ::Yikes: Like seriously why would you say that to someone and why would a 10yo even have thoughts about weight in there head!!!! Her mums a fitness freak and she is obviously very aware of weight and health.On top of that my mum was telling me i needed to hold my tummy in and wear those support undies less than 24hrs after giving birth.....said "I have never seen a belly that big after giving birth"She knows i have issues with weight and its not like she can talk she's a size 24+ grrrrr sorry just feeling very self concious atm
and here are a few of my ED (eating disorder) bassed ones from Myspace.
Friday, December 14, 2007
So here's an update of where i am atm,
Since i had a miscarriage on Nov 23 at 9am my life has taken a completely unexpected turn. I used to be depressed but it was limited to weight related issues and was able to maintain a "happy go lucky" kind of attitude but now im am feeling down ALL the time and am fed up. i dont know what prompted me to tell the doc when having a check up after the m/c but when she asked me how i was i said "Fine...wait no thats a lie i feel like shit" and then proceeded to tell her about my feelings of depresion but left out the whole ED thing
The problem being that i now have to go see a counsellor starting Jan 8th for six weeks at least. I am over feeling like shit and just want to live life like a normal person, but to do that i need to deal with my ED for once and for all. So do i tell the psych bout it or not and just hope that i can deal with the ED once all my other issues are sorted out. I only have the 6 sessions as i can't afford it after that (the government will only support 6) and i have a whole pile of rubbish on my mind more important than this
And if i do say something what if they dont take me seriously, i mean im not exactly that skinny so would be devastated if it was oh thats not too important im sure youll be fine its not like you are unhealthy.
But if i do decide to recover i could only do it at this weight i could not handle any weight gain whatsoever so hmmm
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Yup wallowing in self pity right now but Man i hate my life
I wish i could just disapear, gosh thats a nice thought just disapearing as though i was never here, if i could do it without hurting anyone i would love it...like if i had a rewind button so i could just rewind my life an start over or just not start at all...but no not possible i have a life and a family i must take care of and a son who i love with all my heart even though i wish i'd never been made a mother i wish he was someone elses so the responsibilty wasn't on me
What am i saying aaarghhh meh im going to go to bed, maybe tomorrow will be better though i doubt it
Saturday, December 29, 2007
dont tell anyone...
...but i might just be trying to recover...
So i didn't want to say anything too soon cuz i always say i will then i dont but i've been eating dinner everynight for the last 3 weeks and every third then second day ill do lunch aswell...but today (are you ready for it)
I ATE THREE PROPER MEALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yup breakfast lunch and dinner woot woot
Might not be a full size meal but still a kids meal wich is more than i usually do im so happy lardi dah di dah. Also feeling really sick right now but thanks to my inability to force myself to vomit im stuck with it all inside me hahaha suck shit body you cant get rid of it hahah yeyeyeye
Ok yer i know that sounds really crazy but my body is having a minor freak out whilst my brain is congratulating me!! Start my counselling next week so i might just be a normal person come my birthday (in April) or as normal as one of us can be.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Not skinny enough to have an ED.....
Man im fed up, i just Hate myself so much and for no good reason...
So i started counselling for my depression and he asks about eating and i work up the courage to say "well thats another issue i dont want to talk about it right now" ie letting him know there is an ISSUE there and he then looks at me points out where my fat is (and i quote "plenty of breast fat no chest bones showing, bulge over jeans, full face) and then says no problem really as long as i dont loose anymore...WTF its all my worst nightmares come true!
So there you have it everyone im not skinny enough to have a eating disorder!!! woot woot how Friggin awesome is that to be told by a profesional that you are not skinny enough! MAN i feel good about myself right now
And to make matters even better i am sleeping on the couch tonight because my husband is pissed off that we havent had sex in 3 weeks and i feel guilty as all hell becuase i know it must be hard on him but i just have ZERO drive and feel fat and hidious and am so damn TIRED so there is my wonderful life in a nutshell hope everyone else is having a better time than i am cuz i really would like to jsut disapear about now xoxo
Monday, January 14, 2008
I am moving into a stage of my life now where even if i fail i am going to continue and continue to try to recover...i will have relapses and i still want people to tell me i look skinny (even though i know you gunna lie now heehee) and i will still think about fasting and wanting to loose but im going to try my hardest not to "act-out" on these thoughts and feelings.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Where are you?
I feel so alone?
It’s like it echos in here and all i can hear is my own voice bouncing back to me?
I never had you to begin with..I mean you were never really mine, so why should i want you so badly.
Its strange this thing called friendship...How do you define it, what makes someone your friend
I told someone about you (not in detail of course) but i mentioned your name, and when they asked where i knew you from i told them...the internet........
They looked at me like i was weird and pathetic,
Is that what we are
Weird
Pathetic
Its what i am, i know that much
Do i mean anything to you?
Im going now please dont comment and say how much you love me. i know its not true.
Your probably right, i am being selfish its not like i’ve reached out and made the effort but thats just me isnt it,
Im a
Selfish
Wierd
Pathetic
Person
........So whatcha gunna do about it??thats what i though
BTW recovery SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i friggin hate this life
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
sorry my friends
im sorry....for everything
for not being here for you, for not being true to me. im struggling and i didnt think i would but it seems signs are everywhere screaming at me to loose weight and im like
"IM FUCKING PREGNANT LEAVE ME ALONE"
man i wish i could just disapear. The voices have been really loud lately and three times in the last week i've turned the radio on only to hear Silverchairs 'Open Fire' playing wich is just weird.
Baby doing well though and i am eating dispite my extreme desire not to...the waist line is expanding i've had to go into my 'big' closet already gone up two pants sizes...but hey its all for the good of the baby right. well what about me and wats good for me. i dont want to feel anymore i wish everything were easier its just not fair
and im sorry for being so damn selfish!!! i should be happy im able to have children and i should be happy i've got friends like you guys but im not im just miserable and i just want to come and visit you and i cant because i have "RESPONSIBILITY!!!" man i hate responsibility grrr i just want to be a little girl with no worries.
Sorry i've not been around much, moved house and have no internet so only can sneak on at work and working with dad thats hard enough to do
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Pregnant and Miserable
So yay im in recovery
and yay im a having a baby
Then why could i not feel any worse if i tried. I'm so tired, its so hard to eat (i am of course for the baby) but i've had to set reminders on my phone for breakfast lunch and dinner. I've just lost ALL sense of appetite, Everything i eat makes me feel sick and i can't keep all my food down. I feel fat and horrible and everything hurts.
I want and need all your support but its hurts seeing you all and hearing how someone's loosing this and someones loosing that.
Ah everything just feels so hopeless atm!!!
The beginning
Well I've decided to succumb to peer pressure and start a blog.
I have no idea what will follow and I have no idea what path we will take but it is here for your reading should you choose to join me. I must warn you that this will be my vent room....my place to whinge moan and complain about all the trivial little things that aren't really worth bringing up in day to day life. Sorry if you don't agree, sorry if I offend but this is going to be me in the rawest sense.
Enjoy......or not.
I have no idea what will follow and I have no idea what path we will take but it is here for your reading should you choose to join me. I must warn you that this will be my vent room....my place to whinge moan and complain about all the trivial little things that aren't really worth bringing up in day to day life. Sorry if you don't agree, sorry if I offend but this is going to be me in the rawest sense.
Enjoy......or not.
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