MIRAGERY

MIRAGERY Nothing to fear But I am fearful Silly in my resolution No one can hear Not what I know of Not the problem or solution Is it imagined Just a mystery I'm sure that it's not in my mind It must be real Object of fear You have all Bern rendered blind Steal into thoughts Enter into mine Know my fear, know my feeling It must be caught You cannot see it Try and you might aid my healing SMP & Brian O'Neill

love life and live love

Society pulling me ever which way
Yet you just hold me telling me to stay.
You make it so simple but it just can't be,
I can't be myself when I don't know me.
'Simple!' You say yet I just don't know
'Go with it' but I don't know where to go
I must learn to love, just trust in each other
But I'm scared of these feelings, of blowing my cover
Only time will tell as you help me to heal
Only time will tell if I'm ready to feel...

Poetry and Sayings

DRIFTWOOD
I am dead
Deadwood on the inside
Driftwood
A wooden puppet dancing to societys strings
Cracking. Splintering.
But my paint remains shiny so no one can see me crumble on the inside.
Like driftwood
Dead wood
Dead
Me
by SMP

NUMB THUMB
A reject
The odd one out
Short stubby outcast with no feeling
Useless
Don't want you
Can't feel you
A numb thumb
Me
by SMP

EMPTY
Hole
Black hole
Empty Black Hole
There uses to be fire, pasion, anger!
Emotions in that fire.
Then it went cold
The numbing darkness came and put out the fire.
Leaving it empty
An empty hole
Empty Black Hole
by SMP

PAIN
A blade to the arm,
Harsh words taken to heart.
One does instant harm,
The other is just the start.
One that others can heal,
With ointments and bandaids.
The other only you can feel,
No one can come to your aid.
by SMP


And some sayings by various people...

"Life is strange...but compared to what?" unknown
"The most selfless thing you can do in life is be selfish" by SMP
"There's a sick little suicide in all that we do" by THE MATCHES

Getting Help...

...Which brings me to this....

I had an individual session for our marriage counselling and well i just sorta blurted out that i wasn't coping and then she started asking questions and well long story short she is worried about me phoning me daily and can tell when I'm lying even down the phone grrrr.

But i know have a thousand appointments to book and attend and its scary as all hell...It's one thing admitting to yourself you have a problem but letting 'professionals' know well that just scared the shit out of me.

Last time i was in counselling for my depression i tried telling him and well he went on to point out where my "fat deposits" were (his words not mine) and tell me there was no problem......yup my worst nightmare all in one!

So to have to tell others and whilst I'm at about my highest weight i dunno. I keep telling myself to loose weight first then get help but i know that's not the right way to think and i know its not about the weight but the food but jeez i can control the food i can't control what people think about me and my size....

got to stop thinking about it just causing more grief grrr

deep breaths no need to panic.........much

Baby did a bad bad thing

So this last week things have gotten a little out of control....not been eating well at all just here and there when people are around....

realised there is going to be a problem when it got to almost 48hours when anything but water had passed my lips....

Trying to be a Better Person

I have decided I'm sick of the silently negatively me. I put on a happy mask, but can very easily join and encourage bitching and whingeing and I no longer want to be that person. Last year I read His Holiness the Dalia Lamha IV book on happiness and it is really a simply way of thinking and comes back to the basic catholic saying "do unto others what you want done unto yourself". I will just BE happy, simple as that. I will do things that make me happy and be nice to others and if they don't return it or appreciate is so what, I am happy and doing the right thing so who cares what follows. I will not let other peoples opinions put me down I will simply smile and walk away. And its working it really is. I am feeling more in control of my destiny and enjoying the simple things so much more. Who cares if my best friends gf hates my guts and glares at me, she has done nothing specific wrong so I will say hello and smile....one day she may just smile back who knows.

Breastfeeding

OK so i really really really want to BF and i know i keep going on about it

but well im having a huge inner war atm, and need to nut out the pros and cons

Pro's for BF

best for bubs
free
easy
no waiting
no need to be organised
potential to loose weight
keeping Me healthy by making me eat

Cons for BF

only i can do it
worry about supply and bubs weight gain
must eat
hard to do when over tired and sick


So thats a basic list and ill keep adding to it as i come up with stuff

i know in my heart that BF is right for us and ill know ill regret it if i wean now when i've reached my first goal so quickly.

but i am also feeling very trapped, i have this intense urge to just run away but ca'nt whilst BF so maybe its a good thing keeping me here were i need to be and should be. And it is keeping me healthy by forcing me to eat....i just dont know if i have the energy or motivation to eat and do what needs to be done to make Tallons wieght gain increase???